The Universe and So Much More
by Squirrel-Face
Summary: Twenty-one year old Daphne had no idea how much her life would change when she met a strange man in a pinstriped suit. How will she handle life on the run with the Doctor? [Doctor/OC] Rated T for Mary-Sues, atrocious spelling and grammar, and a naughty name for the Master. It's silly right now, but as the story continues it shall develop an actual plot with a non-idiot character.
1. Chapter 1

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hiya. So, you may be thinking, HEY, THIS WAS SPARKELWISH'S STORY! Well, I'm Sparkelwish. Plain and simple. Go check out her/my profile and she/me will have a link that comes here on it. I'm not going to go into detail about why I've done this weird switch, but I have my reasons. I'll post one chapter every couple days until I get to the end of what I've written, and then it'll probably be one chapter a week or less, depending on what my schedule will allow. **

**_And NO, I'm most certainly NOT doing this to get more views and reviews._****That would be stupid, because I already had a satisfactory amount on the old story, and because I hate the very ****_thought_**** of doing that. BUT ANYWAY, ON WITH THE UNIVERSE AND SO MUCH MORE!**

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**_REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE_: ALRIGHTY NOW. So... I've gotten several reviews from people who don't get that this is a parody (well, that or they're trolling, but still). I mean, they're clearly blind, because one of the genres is parody. But now you know! THIS IS A PARODY! THE SPELLING AND GRAMMAR ARE SUPPOSED TO BE BAD. IT'S MEANT TO BE FUNNY. LAUGH AT THE HILARIOUS "MISTAKES." ****_HOWEVER,_**** there is an ****_actual plot _****(gasp!) that begins to form a bit later in the story, and there are parts that have correct grammar and spelling, oh joy! I'm probably going to end up making a sequel to this that's not really parody-ish at all. So just stick with me here.**

**_It's supposed to be funny._**

* * *

A/N: Thankz for readin' me story.

I don't own Doquter Who.

* * *

One Day I walking down the stret and I sawed a man in pinstripe Suit. He see me and He Comes ovr to Me and I says "Hi You loke unusul whot are You do-ing her?"

He said "Im the Doquter want to Come adventure?"

"Yes I like to adventure, lets go" said Me and we went to teh TARDIS.

Bye the Way I am a girl and here is Whot I loke lik. : I Have tall and long hair that is blond my eyes blue, I have sender body and I like wearing heals. My full lips and I have nise chekbones. and sparkeling eyes. I breaked up with my Boyfrind becuse he did not give Me attenshon.

So me and the Doquter were in the TARDIS and I says "Wow it big on the Inside!"

"yes Daphne it is now where should Go?" s Doquter.

"We should go paris!" Said because I had HUUUGE crush on Doquter and wante him to Fall in love wi me.

"Yes Paris allonse" Doquter said and he pusht buttins on the tardis and there was lots of shaking.

He accident fell on me when the Shaking was happen. I bloosh and look in eyes.

He kisst me and I my heart like a butterflie.

"Dafne I luv u" he mermerd.

"Doquter I luv u too" I wispert and Then I kist him agen.

* * *

Latter We wer on a beech on a difrent planit and we ware on a blankit on the Sand holding our Hands watching wavs.

The see was beutiful and qualm. And so romantic. I got my ifone out and twitterd that I had a New boyfriend and he was Call the Doquter.

Sudden the Doquter hands on my Shoudler. He looks me in the Eye and say "Daphn I haves confeshon. My an Aline."

"Wat this are an outrach!" Screamed Me and I grabt his Shoulder shook him.

"Sorry so sorry" Doquter says

"Betray!" Tears come my face and I runned throo the sands.

Then I got kidnapt by alines. "DOQUTER!"

The Doquter hert me scram. "Dafn Ill help you!" He runned by the alines killt him "NO I SCREMT"

MY DOQUTER"

Then evrythin Went blaque.

* * *

I waked up in a dark hospital. There were proabs on my Finger so I was scart. "DOQUTER HALP"

I seed the Doqtuer ded on a tabbl. "NO" I yaled.

He waked up and loked at me wif butiful eye.

"Doquter you not ded!"

"No I kan rejenate but my hand so I put it into hand and made double"

"Oh ok cool no sav me"

"Ok where my sonick"

"on the tabble" I point at sonick on grea tabl.

"I use my siquik powers to make it kome to me." He cloe his eye and the sonik float to his hands

"No I free us" he turn sonick and my handcuff are release.

"Thank you doquter!" I cried and ranned to him and kisst him pasonately.

We made out for sevril minits and then I remembert he was aline.

"Yoo shood telled me that you are alien."

"Sorry Your rite I should" Docquter sed and pet me hair.

"I fergiv yoo cuz its hot to dait alines."

"yay now I hav to take yoo to anice lokashin cuz thi one waz bad"

"no doquter it nice but the alines." I loked concenre into his eye

"I luv u so much Dafne," he whisp.

"I luv u more Doquter" then we made out in the Tardis.


	2. Chapter 2

Tha next day tha Doqtuer and me leaved the Tardis and we goed to the bee hiev planit. The Doquter show me All the alines at the planit and I was amazinged!

"Doquter this is amaze, wher els can you take?" I asque.

"Many plays, mi Deer Dafne," Doquter replie and kiss me check

"Like wer?"  
"Lik the shopin planit!" Doquter say happily and I hug him cuz I luv shoping.

"But we has no moneys!" I crie

"Im rich don't wory!" Doqtuer says. He waz such a dream!

We goed to the shoping planit and it was fulled with deparment stoars and mauls and shopz.

"Doquter this amazeing!" I squeel an hug im.

"your welcum letz go shop now!" Doquter say, "Allonsee!"

We walk into Forevr 12 an I foun some fashion heals and I bout like 5 pair of shoos.

Then we go to Macy and Macy had lots of cloth that I lik. I bout a bun of dress and so many pantz and cut tops. My boifrend payd for it.

"How you lik shoping?" Doquter asked me when we eating lun.

"FuN!" Me replied.

"I hav suprice in TARDI, but yoo hav to bee pashent!"

"Ooh I luv suprices!" Then we maid out for like five minits and peepl staird at us but we don't' caire becuz we are in loves.

Then we walking to TARDIs but tardis was goine!

"WHERE MY TARDIS?!" Doquter raged.

"Doquter you scaring me!" I crie and runned to the ladys room to crai.

Laitr the Doqtuer found me and sayd "I'm sorry so so sorry I scairt you Rose"

"Itz ok Doquter" I said.

"Daphn I want yoo to no that I luv u and I wil not get so mad next tiem." My love primsed.

"Ok now how about suprice!?" I eagerly say

"Ok hold the horses!" Doquter laffs.

We walk to TARDIS with hands attached and we goed inside.

"So what suprice?" I asque.

"This" Doquter pulled out a ringue and neeld down in frunt of me. "Dafne will yoo marie me?" he askt

My heart nearly burst from butterflie feelings. "Yes Doqtuer I would luv too!"

Doquter put ringt on finger and say, "I luv yoo forevr and I will make yo o a time ladie so we can be happe together forevr."

I nearly criet wif apiness.

"Now let mi tern yoo into won wif my secret powerse." Doquter took out his magic wand an taped me on my butiful golden hairs.

And then I was a time ladie!

I felt my too harts. Thiz wood be the start of sumthing beautiful.

But than Rino Alines brust into TRADIS and kapshured me agen! I crid for the Doquter and he was too lat

The Rinos tooked me to there bas and strapt me to a bord. I was terrified.

They wer going to dissekt me… but thin my preshis babby Doquter came throo the door as a werewulf and he kilt the Rinos and savt me.

"I am a Time Lord Werewulf," he say. "Sorry for not tell you."

"Werewulfs are hot so its ok," I say

"Now carful becuz your pregnant so we cant hert the babby."

I gasp. "Whut?"

"You pregnan. I cheque on the skan, you pregnt. Sorry so sorry but you are." Doquter ternd back from werwulf to tiem lord.

"Its ok we geting maried." I say and kist him and he put han on my tummy and babby kickt.

"I hope itz a girl"I say.

To be continut…


	3. Chapter 3

It was mornig and the Doquter woked up in his bed. I was neck to him, but still sleep. He pokes me and say, "Morning beutiful angle!"

I wake up with sleepy. "Mornig my luv! The babie say mornig too!"

He pock my tummy an I gaggle playful.

"Me can't wate to have our babbie, becaus I luv you sow much" Doquter say.

"Will babby be a werewulf?" I askt?

"No becaus werewulf jeans are maternil. You are not werewulf so you not give the babie the jeans." He explaint.

"Oh I sea. Well how do we no if it are a girl of a boy? I want to no so I can by cloths." I telled him.

He pickt I up out the bed and carry me to kichen to eet brekfist, an wile he did it he talkt to me, "We kan see with the skanner. Last I only chet for a babbie at all, thie tim we can loke for a boy or a gurl."

"I hope it a baby," Me said.

"I wan boy too" Doquter.

"Will birhts be painful like for the human? I am not humans any-more," say Daphne

"No Donna it will not Time lord have the magic to make it not pain." Doquter say

"Oh thank you" I crie

"Letz cheque if the babbie is a boy or a grill"! Say my husbind.

Wen we got to the controal room he put me on the captin seet and wented to his skannr. He skant me and say, "it boy like we want!"

"Let go shoppin for cloth and frunicher!" I exclamt.

"Yes we go to the shopse!" my Doqtuer say and he grabt my hand. I put hand on me tummy bump and we run out the TRADIS.

* * *

The store we were in babie shopse and I were baughte boy cloths. The Doquter says we use his craddle for the babbie wen it are birth, so we no bot a craddle.

The Doqtuer came to me with chanjing tabble and it was bloo with starse.

I hade lats of cloths so we went to the chequeout konter.

Checkot ladie says, "Yoo pregnan! Happy Baby Shauer!"

"Thank!" Doquter and me sayed at the saim time. He kist me pashinately in frunt of the lady and she smiled becuz we were a cute cupple.

We let the stoar and went to TRADIS.

Doqtuer paneted the baby's room blau und dunkelblau.

"Es ist perfecto!" Ich said happily.

"Danke!" Doqtuer say and he has painte on his lipz so I comed over to lik it off.

We maid out and i taked paint and putted it in his hairs.

"Hey!" he exclaimt and licked paint and then paintet me wif his tung.

We were messie so we taked showers and then.

Suddenly banging on the TarDIS door!

"wHO BANG MY DOOR?!" Doquter shout with rag!

"wE tHE ALINES AND WE WANT BABIE!" The voise of a bwon furrie aline called throo the door.

"You not taik wife, fowl brown beest!" Doqtuer cried an he taked his sonique and he chanjed ito wearwulf.

The alines burst into my Tradis and befoar the doqtuer cood cach them thiy teliportet awai with me.

"NOOOO MY WIEF AND BEBBY!" Criet Doqtuer and he unchangt form his wearwulf and crid on the floor.

* * *

I was knockt out but I camed to on a operashin table.

"What you do?" I demandet

"We take ur babby when it redy in your tummy" Scraggle-fur aline growlt.

"You near get my baby boy!" I shout.

"We see soon about those words!" the anie shoutet and I rajed at him frum my table.

"Doquter will ter the body from your lims!"

"no I will ter the doquter's body from HhiS!" screamt AL

"Neverrrrrrrrrrrr!" Cried the me and I sleept agen.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Noat:** Thanques to Captain Cynthia for some of thease ideas.

**Disclamer: **If I ownt Doquter Hoo I would be in it merried to the Doquter. I dont own it!

* * *

Laiter when I wake up on the taible, the scarrgle was not there. Relief, because He was Uglie. "Doquter?" Calls me and I struggle with the handcuff.

"Ur Doquter will save you never!" Creepy voice said from behind a cabnet.

"You! Reveal!" I demant. Then I notease my tummie. It are HUGGGEEEE! "I've swallowed melons!" Exclaimt me.

"Haha, you no swallowt mellons! You have TWINS!" Mr. Creepie said from inside his cabnet.

"Come out of the cabnet and reveal!" I demant again. I stroang enouf to pull the chains from the tabbl, so I cood be freadom and ready to a-salt my capture.

The man stept out of the cabnit and was tall. "I'm the Masterbate!" he crie an laught evilly.

"NOOO I heart about you from the Doquter, he sait that you were an evil." She roart.

"I are father of your childlings!" the Masterbate yelled, his figners twitching and him mooing them abot as he speeked.

"O... I forgetted that I never sleept weth the Doquter. Oops! Must have beed you." I shrug'd it of, the Masterbate was hot too. Maibee I cood have two Time Loard Boyfriend!

"Girl you crazy," the Masterbate say and wiggle his fanger. "You hapy that I'm father?"

"I dont cair." I replie. "You both hottie."

"Oh." the Matserbate say. "You foil me. Oh well I leev now"

"Wait no saty! Masterbate, yoo can be my boyfriend too!" I can? "said the Masterbate"

"yes you can" I say and my babies kickt "Becaus you there father"

"No I only the father of one" Masterbate sad

"Oh yeah, I DID sleept with the Doqtuer" I remembert. "One must be hes."

At that momint my preshis baby Doqtuer berst into the room. "DAFN" HE CRIET "I LOV YOU AR YOU OKAY I LOUV YOU" he kist me pashinately infront of the Masterbate and didnt eeven notice he was here with us. until he was done.

"Masterbate what you doing here with wife?!" Doqtuer demandet

"Oh, she has one of my babie." Masterbate said.

"WHAT BETRAY!" Doqtuer shout and threw me donw on floor in discust.

"NO one babie you'res too!" I cried.

"Oh, well if one mien it okay." he sait

"Hey Im still heer!" Masterbate said.

"Oh ya we forgot and got too cote up in our pashinate love speeches" I said with a sparkl in my eyes

"My babies will have too loving daddees" Doqtuer said "Cuz Masterbate we're takking you wifth us!"

"Okay I love to go becuz the durms are left me and I'm not craizy" the Masterbate said. "By the way I'm a demigod."

"Oh that SO sexie!" I exclam "just as sexie as Doqtuer being a wearwolf!" "I such a luquey girl!"

"Yes you are" Masterbate and Doquter sayt at the saim time.

Then we goed to eh TADRIS!

* * *

I love Paige brakes!

* * *

sjdlgk this is gray riting to me!

* * *

Anyway, aftr many month of waiting abd being pregnint, I givt birth to my preshis babies.

I naimt them Clarque and Helga aftr the Doqtuer's companyins.

They were demigod-wearwolf-identicle-twinse and Helga lookt just like me plus the Masterse blonde, and Clarque lookt just like me plus the Doqtuer's hair and freakles.

I dreast them to mach eachother. and we went on stroals in the parque.

I marriet the Masterbate too becuz it wasnt rite to marry one daddie but not the other daddie. I was so lucky that I had too husbinds and thye were boath time lords!

One day we were playing wifth the babies. "I love my babies!" I exclaimt

"Me too!" the Doqtuer and the Masterbate say at unisin.

"We shood enter them in fashin shoas. Liek that sho Toadlers n Tearas"

"Yes that be perfict!" The Masterbate exclaimt cheerful!

"I go shoaping for the dressis and soots for the boy and the girl"!

Just than my babies weere stealen! by the eevil Sluthien!

"Go away lizerd peeple! They my babes!"

"Oakay, we go away, but with the babes!" The slutien criet and teliported away

"NOOOOO BAB BABIES!1!12! ! !" We all criet.

We weept on the floar for about twentie minits and then started making out cuz we wear sad.

Then we went on are epic serch for th babies.

* * *

**Real A/N: This chapter introduces one of my favorite characters: Helga.**

**Pay close attention to her.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Athers Noat: **HY THANKZ FOR REEDING AND REVIEWING REVIEWS ARE HOT AND SEXIE AND THE DOQTUER AND THE MASTERBATE LIKE IT WHEN YOU DO IT.

THANKS!

**Disclamer: **I wisht I ownt Doquter hoo but I dont.

* * *

Are epic Serch startet with me and the Masterbate and the Doquter. After we finisht making out by leafing the TARDIS.

"I have some Idea about the babies where they is!" the Doqtuer say grimely. The Masterbate glares at him becuz they are-n't on frendly terms yet.

"Now you t2o beehive." I repremandet and wagglt my figner back and froth.

They boath smiled at be becuse I was cute and they were in luv w/ me. We linkt arms and runned out the TARSID.

"I thank I now where are babys are!" The Masterbate yellt. "They in the eivil Babby-Siters kichen!"

"Yes probab, lets go get!" The Doquter criet and ran away with my hand.

I neerly tript but re-gainted my balince and we kept ran! "We almost thear?" I pantet?

"Yes nearly!" The Masterbate ashured me.

"I see it are the distince." Doquter

"Me too! Quickly, it comes!" I shoutet "Im tired cary me?"

"Me to carry you!" The Masterbate volinteered.

"Thank."

The Evil Babby-Siters kichen reached us soon and we went under the doars.

"Wow this place big"

"It like Jaque and the Beenstak!" T-Masterbate

There were a GIANT Roase standin in the kichin with the babbies in her armse.

"MY BABBIES!" I crite. I runned to the GIANT Roase and kickt its foot.

"PUNY HOOMIN I AM ROASE YOU WILL NOT GET YOUR BABIES!" GIANT Roase yellt at me and flickt me away. The Doqtuer trnasformed into Wearwulf and catched me I hit thie ground would have been scairy.

"I got you preshis babie" Doqtuer cooed. Then he Wearwolf'd the GIANT Roase foot.

"AHH MY FOAT!" GIANT Roase screemd and dropat my babies.

My gorgeous Demigod husbind flied up and catched the babies because they fell but he catched them so they he would not be baby splat on my floor.

"I love you" I toald boath of them and then kist my babies and put them in my pouch like in Dragin Tails or like a Cancaroo. My babies liekt my pouch and they hid in it like leetle moals and barrowed arond in my powch fur.

"Now to kill GIANT Roase!" The Masterbate growlt, still floting.

"NO!" Doqtuer screamt. "DONT KEEL HER SHE LIKE A WILD AMINAL. She don't now what to when she does it."

"Oh okay, but we in a cage please" The Masterbasket sayd, slight with annoyance.

"Doqtuer have you ever betrait me wifth Roase when she not a GIANT?" I ask growing angry from whoremones.

"Yes but now she GIANT Roase and that were long befoar I meeted you so now she GIANT and not I liked her." The Doqtuer explaint sincerly.

"Oh ok but nevar betrayal." I sayt with concernt eyes, but then my babies in my pouch so I had to go back to RETARDIS.

* * *

Back at the TADRIS I drest my babiese in Chineas outfitz becuz the Doqtuer the Masterbasekt and Me were going to do Anshint China.

There ware dragins in Anshint China. The Masterbate and the Doqtuer camed the TARDIS and I say "Hi my gorgis husbinds! Lets go now"

"Ok beautiful wives!" The Doqtuer and Masterbate sayt.

The Doqtuer went to the consoal and so did my other husbind. We turnd on the song "Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight" by Tinee Tim (Loak it up its a grate song) and we dansed around and kist eechother wile in the voartex.

My babies wear in there craddles but they started to cry so I pusht the quiet buttin and they shut up liek good babiese.

Wen we gotted to Anshint Chena I puttet the babbies in pouche ant they sleept becuz are comfie. Then we stept out the TARDIS for a-nother aventure.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **I realized, while being lazy on my bed a few minutes ago, that I hadn't posted a chapter in a couple days. Whoops.

Well, here ya go, chapter six of this nonsense.

* * *

**Chapter 6**

**Author's Nose: **Dont ferget to reed chapter five I uptated it from my leetle messige saying about how I wasnt going to put a chapter that day.

**Disqulaimer: **No own Doqtuer Who

* * *

I gaspt in disbelif as I walkt out onto the Anshint China Wall! It was huge and tall. Long. Leetle Helga and Clarque were sleeping in my pouch. The Doqtuer raped one around my Shoulder and the Masterbate raped one arm my other Shoulder. I smiled because love.

"Shall we Allonsee?" Doqtuer shout.

"Yes" The Masterbate chucklt.

"I want to be Chinee prinsess," I say, my bloand curles they bounce.

"Ok first we have to make the royal say yes" Doqtuer say. We go into SIDRAT and flew the palace. I stept out and gaspt. The palice was fillt with goald and marble and white stones they shiend and glistented.

"We our SO bying this palice!" I exclaimt. "My babiese to grow here and become so that they rule Chinea"

"Anythig for you love" my husbinds say!

We killt the Emperoar becus he say I was attractiv. I though that it nice but my husbin they only me so kilt. Then the Doqtuer stoal the Meperor's cloaths and drest in them. We naked the quean because her king was dead and we sent her the strets. I woar the quean's cloaths. My babiese woar roabs of goald and silver and purple and they in my pouch so that sleep.

I lookt at a furutre-histry-book and saw that I was in it. "Doqtuer!" I calt. "We changet hitsotry! We in the book!"

"NO DONT REED IT! YOU RED IT HAPPEN!" Doqtuer and Masterbasket shout.

"Nah it fine I strong willed so future it change becuase of not." I assure them and pat my babies in pouch. I read the book:

_Dafne the beutiful queen of Chinea was so beutiflu that all the mens in the kingdom came to court she and she husbinds so they were all douset with toilet water and seant away._

Our Doarbell on the palice ringed. There were mens out and they had flower to suit me with.

"MY WIFE" Roars Doqtuer and Masterbateasekt. They doust men with toilet n they left.

"See histry camed true" Masterbake repremandt me his eyes my eyes.

"Sorry I not read" I burnt the boke and we nevr spetk of it agen.

* * *

After my we are done with being rulers of China we left and the TARDIS.

"I want to weeping angles." I sayt.

"No weeping angles are scairy." Doqtuer. "They hurt the babies becuz babies lifetime are long so the past and they old so we cant"

"Ok. I want pets then"

"We get a cat perhap?" Masterbate suggestet.

"Yes a kitty but it aline." I joyful.

"Well yes of cour all kitty aline to me!" Doqtuer laufht. It was SO funny we all laught and rolt on the floar and the Masterbate wet himself and me too.

"HAHAHAHA!" I criet. My babiese in my puoch laft too becuz they understood becus they time loards me too.

"Lets go get aline kitty." I say

"I no perfect place to get some!" Masterbate sayt.

* * *

We travelt to the new new new new new new enw nweeenwne enw en wYeark to the hopsital and we fond the cat nuns.

I pointet to the one I wanted. She were a white kitty brown paw and a blue eye su cute

"Ok come wifth us" We grabt the cat nun and went to Tardis and left

"Why you take me meow?" Cat nun asquet?

"Aww it takes!" Doqtuer Masterbate Dafne cooet.

"Meow yes meow Im Magick!" Cat Nun sayt.

"You need a naim. I call you Butterflie after the butterflie in my stomach Masterbate and Doqtuer" I sayt.

"Love the name for Buttefrlie!" Doqtuer say and pettet Butterflies hed.

"Yes it good" Masterbate agreet

"Meow purr Butterflie my naim now!" Purrt Burterlfie.

"She need cat basquet! and food boals and litter box."

"TO THE PEST STOARE!" Criet me

* * *

At the pest stoare we gotted a pink glittre litter box and some sparkly goald food bowls and some cannt kitty foad.

Then we maid out in the coarner amonsgt doggie craits and baigs of food.

After that we went back to the TRADIS and Buteflflie had poopt and peet on the flaor!

"BAD BAD KITTY!" Rose shout.

"Yes bad" I agree'

"BAD! BAD!" Doqtuer and Masterbate say.

"SORRY SO SORRY SORRY" Butterflie hist. She cleant it up and then went and hide the TARDIS so we cant find.

"DOQTUER YOU STUPID YOU SCARIT BUTERLFIE!" I yelt. My babies waked up so i put them in thier cribz. They I wnt to search my poor katty kit.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: WHOOPS! **I meant to update this sooner! I suppose time sort of got away from me. I don't have a TARDIS, so you can't blame me. It's not my fault! I BLAME SCHOOL! But yeah, sorry for making anyone who was looking forward to this chapter wait almost a week for it.

* * *

**Atherz Noat: **Thanks boath Captin Cynthia and me Frend and Me for enspirin' me fer this chapter. The furst part of thie chappie is ritten differently than the reast of the chappie.

**Disklammer: **No own the Docter hoo, but own Dafne Helga Clarque.

* * *

**Helga's Mind Diary: Day 1**

Dear Diary,

My mother is an absolute idiot. It's absolutely ridiculous how utterly oblivious to the real world she is. I swear, she's constantly got her head in the clouds. How a genius like me came from that woman, I will never know... nor do I wish to find out.

My father, though also stupid, is a bit smarter than my mother. His name is the Master, but for some strange reason I will _never_ understand, he likes to be called either the Masterbate (eww) or the Masterbasket, and he believes that he is a demigod that can fly. Both he and the abomination that is my mother believe that I'm some sort of demigod-werewolf-Time-Lord baby. I'm only a Time Lord. I don't even know WHERE the idea for the werewolf part came from.

My mother (the stupid thing) has another husband named the Doctor, although he insists that his name is spelled 'Doquter.' Apparently he's the father of my brother, Clarque, who I will talk about later. Anyway, my mother, the Doctor, and the Master all believe that I'm the Master's daughter and my twin brother is the Doctor's son. That's not possible, so I'm either the Doctor's daughter or the Master's.

Now for Clarque. He's my twin brother... and he inherited my mother's stupid. He's considered to be the Doctor's son (which might be true) and all he does is eat, sleep, and poop, like some filthy human infant. Sure, I do the same, but it's only because my inferior infant body forces me to do so. I can't wait until I learn to talk.

Ah, my mother's coming to put me in her disgusting furry pouch sack. *shudder* Wish me luck, dear brain.

Sincerely,

Helga

* * *

I seracht evrywear for my preshis kitty nun cat Butterflie. She weren't no-where to be viewed by my eyes, so I gived up and went to get my babiese.

I walkt into my babiese room and pickt up my babie Helga. She lookt just like her daddie the Masterbate plus me my faces. I smilet at her and she staret at me with the blanket eye. I laught as I put my dother in pouch, she a comdey.

Doquter walkt into roam and say, "Hi-lo wife, how the baby?"

"The baby in the pouch!" I laught "Comedy!"

"HAhAHAHA!" Doqtuer laught and Masterbasket comed too and he say "Lol"

"Lets go future now" I say

"yes the future" Doqtuer pickt up Clarque and put him my powch.

"Thankques Doqtuer!" I kist him lips and them the Masterbate.

We went out the TADRIS and skipt over two the hovermobeels and the Doqtuer got on one "Kome heer my luv" he sayt

"Ok" I went and goto nthe huvvermobeel and the Masterbate too.

"WEEEEE!" I squealt and my butiful hairs flowed behind.

"Let go to the stoar from future!" Masterbasket suggest.

"Yes let!" Doqtuer

We wented to the stoar that had names like "Futu-marte" an "Disk-lind" and "Not-the=paste!"

"I want to Notthepaste!"

Yes lets "The Masterbate say"

We wented tinto the stoar and I bote loats of thaothpaste and we checkt out with faek monie.

"They not no it fake because they stoopid." Doqtuer laughed.

Heelga sneezt in my powch and i laft. 'Sillie babies"

We leaft and then to the DARITS.

* * *

"Move time!" Masterbatsek say because we the TARDIS so it was.

"I get the mooviee." I say

I wente to movie cabnit and gotted my favrit moovie: "Noatboke"

I taked the moovie to the kichin and opent the caise. I tooked the moovie out the caise and put the disque in the mirowave and turnt it on.

The Doqtuer runned over and say, "No Dafne that not were movie goes!"

"it not? But that how I always the movie!" I exclaimt

"No no no" Doqtuer

I reelise it was a stupid to do, but it ok becuz I"m pretty.

Doqtuer taked the moovie from micro-oven and we put it in the real moovei do-oer.

We watched the movie and i criet.

* * *

Laitr I taked my babiese out my pouch and putted them on the craddles. Heelga glaret at me becuz she a comedy and I laft. "Silly Heelga."

The nI turnt out the lites and my babiese sleept becus that what the babiese do when you turn the lites away.

I went tothe Doquter room and then we to bed with warm toes.

"Happy night" say me

"Happy night" Doqtuer

"Happy night" Masterbate

* * *

In the dark no-light Butterflie creept from her hidding playse and ate her kitty cat food. She sleept in her kitty nun cat bed and used her kitty nun cat sparkel litter box.

She cat was good pet, but then she notices the evils in the TARDIS and screamt.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

We heart the screms of the kitty from where our beds. My Carque was cry, but the Helga not. I runned to where the cream was heard in the TARDIS and I gaspt. Butterflie was cower from the big.

"GT OUT MY TARDIS!" I yellt. The Doqtuer camed in too so did the Masterbasket.

"OMG WHAT ARE THAT?!" The Doquter.

"I never see before," Masterbate, in awe.

The Crecher growlt and grabbt me in a claws. I taked me away and I scremt for me husbinds.

"Dafne, the Crecher capshired you, but soon to the saving!" The Doquter promises. He blowt a kiss and I cathced it in my moth and swallowt it. It tasted of blonde and strawberries. The Masterbate blowt me a kiss too, but hits me in the check and I lickt it off. It was a flavor like chocklit and air freshner.

The Crecher vanisht with me in it claw, and my babiese weept. I criet becuz It was a scary for being away from the husbinds.

* * *

**Helga's Mini-Mind Diary: Day 2**

She's done it again. My idiotic mother was just captured by some sort of freakish horned beast. I believe it looks like a cross between an anthropomorphic bright red cow and one of those weird hairless cats, but I didn't get a good look at it from my disgusting cage-like crib. Honestly, I don't know why my parents confine me to this prison all day. I've done nothing wrong... I'm just an innocent infant. Hey look, consonance. Anyway, I'm tired and feel like sleeping. Good night, and good luck to my two possible fathers. I hope the creepy beast thing eats her. Well, no I don't. She's my mother. I hope it gets CLOSE to eating her.

* * *

I waked up in a darque caiv. The Crecher was looking at me with it has yellow eye. Naked, but with red and hornse and it standt up like people do. The claw on the hands were long wifth sharp poynts. I was so scairt of the Crecher that I neerly peet meself, but my would be amberised.

"Week Humin you will be the meal!" Crecher growlt

"No, my husbin will safe me!" I say. "I has many beleef in thoase."

Crecher laft and poyntet at me with it has the claws. "No, you meels!"

I my time laidy powers so the chainse would brake when I want, but the Crecher cloase so that I strangle.

"Ha!" I yelt when Crecher goat cloase enuf that I could brek my chainse and strangle it. I rappt the chainse around the neck and pullt, but the Crecher stroanger. He pluckt me away and throat me the floar. The stares in frunt of me eye and asleep.

* * *

Laitr I waked up on a pallter. I was cuvert in barbie soss. "No, Not the meel!" I criet. The Crecher camed ovr to me wifth foarks and a nife.

"Yo mo food for the eevning! I invit me frends to eet you two. Ther naimse are Lants and Edwird ant Yandlie. Yandlie walkt into my room.

"Yum foad!" Yandlie sayt and lickt his nakid lipz becus he were the saime type of aline as Crecher.

Edwird walkt ovr to me and taked some of my barbie soss from the plaite I was sitting with and lickt it. "I liek Barbie Soss." says Edwird.

Yandlie pockt my toe.

As Crecher were going to cut me into bits with nifes, I shout about being the release. "I too pritty for the eeting!" I perswaysive.

"We yes, suppose" Crecher admittes. His frends agreet.

"I go takes a showar for the Barbie Soss." I sayt Kurtley.

"Ok you desearf showers." Kandlie sayt.

I wented to the showers and taked, but then my cloths so I hat to wear the fur on the grownt. When finish I walkt back to thier dinning roam and sit at the chairse. They had some chikin on the tabbl wher my plaite.

"Mm chickin!" I sayt.

"yes we lick the chickn!" Crecher sayt.

"I lick chickn as weel!" Edwird Yandlie ant Lants sayt.

Lants were shy so I winkt at him and he blosh ecksept his blosh lookt wired becuse he had nackid skine.

Thine the Doquter camed with the Masterbate and they pointet gunse at my neu frends! "NO!" I skremt befoar they the shoating!

"What they eet you!" Masterbate shoutet. "I must the kill!"

"No becuse they lik me and no eet!" I say "Chickn!"

"Oh I undrstant." Doquter and we eetet chicken and selrey!

But thine the Churchers' nemisise came ant was hoalding a NIFE!

* * *

DUN DUN DUNNN! CLIFE HINGER!


	9. Chapter 9

**Atherse Noase: **Itse Hallows-Een because I'm rititng a Hallows-Een stoary.

**Disllamer "**No own"

* * *

And then he pofft into a smoak. We all laft and pointet at wher the Crecher's eminy was standet and thine we eatet the diners.

Masterbate sayt, "Chickin is a good food!"

"Yes they is!" Douter agret.

Lants peet hisself and blosh becus he were embarised. About the pee. I guesses that we are too hottie for him to handel so then pee.

"oops!" I say me.

"Dafne I emarised for Lants" Doquter and then we leaft.

* * *

The TARSID was halloween time now, so we costeumes were putting them on. My was a sexie bunnie and me Helga was sexie Mousee.

* * *

**Helga's Super-Mini-Mind Diary: Day 3**

Dear Diary,

JUST KILL ME NOW PLEASE. My mother has dressed me up as a slut-mouse. WHY!? WHYYYY?!

Love, Helga

* * *

Me drest me soqutor in a tarsid costume. Me masterbasket were a baskit of candie. Coarque were a bload clot.

We wint tricker-troating for trouty on the planit WichBaskit. we went up to a howse and sayt to the ugly oane,r "Tricker Troat!"

"Queee! Quee-ee-e-e-e-e-queeee qua!" Sait the ugly creechir. "Quee I like your costomes young shildren qua!"

"Thanques!" Doquter sayt. "I are the TADRIS and me wife are the sexie bunnie and hair hus-bind is baskit of candle, and the babiese are sexie mousee and bload clot.!"

"Queee yes you are! Qua!" Heartfelt Vagabond sait. "Quee have some trouty qua!" The creacer givet us a bunch of trouty into our bagz, and me into the pouch for the babiese.

"Thank!" Dafne say.

"Happy Hallow-Een!" Mesterbate sayt.

We leaft and wented to the neaxt house. There were an old people so we skipt those. Then there was an aline invashin so we had to stoap it.

The ships hoaverd above us and I screemt, my kitty-kat I were eating was the splattering from my lipse. The Maisterbasekt who were eating her trout, were spitting out those too.

Doqtuer was almost a voimit in my corner. He were scairt of the alines becuz it was hallow-een. But he was not, so he say, "Look at them! The Catch!" he say. His deeminor were a very serious one.

"yes, we must the catch!" Masterbate furiously.

"Wat they the alien call?" Dafne asque

"They are callt Vegetandles!" Doquter cried.

"NO!" Masterbasket screamted. "They kilt my irish foke band."

The Doquter patted Martha's back synthetically. "It okay Masterbate, they foke band will be avenge!"

"Yes we wil avenge!" I say/ Helga and clarque were squirme. "Oops!" I pusht ther off swiches. And they quiet like walfs.

"Whelp, lets go kill them!" Doqtuer say. These words were soon to be a regretful one because then the Alines camed and took the doquterse cloaths.

"AAAAGH ME CLOATHS!" Doqtuer screamt. 'Me nakkid!"

"I thinks you are an atrictive when nackid!" I say

"Not now roase!"

"Yse!"

"Not the time for those to be flarting, btecause the alines!" Masterbasket stay!"

"Oh, sorry, nut I NACKID RIHT NOW MASTIRBASKET!" Doqtuer shout

"Yes, an it unplesint!" Put on a cloth!" Say his face.

"There are no for the cloathing!" Doqtuer argute.

The alines capshirt me. I scremt. But the Doquter were quick and he crapst nakedly on to me ankel.

"Brb i gotta use me men room!" Mesterbekst were the one talking this tiem.

"Not the time!" Doquter shout from where he were in the aline beem!

We were being beamt up to the sosser abuve us I screamt as the grownd looked like it were being shrinken.

"Shhh Dafne it ok I kiss u better!" Masterbasket and he jumpt into the beem and float.

Doqtuer was kising Dafne and the Masterbasket too when he reacht them ) in the spaseship.

The nthe anlines came to us and they separated us from eachother. "NO MY LOVES!" I criet. They chaint me to a piller. A gun.

Just then Helga lept out me pouch and taked her first stepse. "HELGA MY BABIE!"

Helga glaret at me. She has a humor. So I laft. She ninjat the alines and then was a babie again and could no be a walker.

She in my pouch again because she was a demigod which explaint the walking times. And the ninja.

The worlt was saved and we fliet down on the Masterbasket's back and the Doquter-werewulf were clung to the feet.

The ground was on my toes and I kist the husbinds of mine and we made out back in the TARDSI.

Then the RETARDIS lites went black. There were slimey noise on the seeling...

* * *

LOL A-NOTHER CLIFE HINGER!


	10. Chapter 10

**Awethor's Noat: **Hey gies sorry for the none the update in the recent week. This one was made to be an extra long as a present for my away.

**Disclaimer: **I can't own

* * *

I scremt at the slimie noise. Above my head the drips from the slime comed down on me head! It were like one of them whoreor moveys!

Doqtuer with his sonik he made the slime noise come down from my seling it were a green one.

"AHHH!" I scremt and hudl'd into my the Masterbate his arms. Then it left.

"yay now we kan goes the thank-you for giving day in novermber." Doqtuer say, and we got in the TARIS and we goed to the origins of thank-you-for-giving-day.

The pligirims where in thier hats like the ones taht turkesy wear. The indins were the feather from the trueky. the hair.

"Wow look the inidns and the pligrims!" I say and my finger pointet at those.

"Yes Dafne love they are the anshint ones from the begining of americka. They are my primitive." Masterbasket explaint.

"Wow can we eat the trukey with them at the big tabbl?" me askt.

"Yes let us go to intordute!" Doquter say "Allosne."

We walkt over to the anshint peeple and we say "Hello we form the futcher. we are heer to eet with ur foods!"

The anshint peeple scremt and runned away from us cuz they was a scared.

Then my babies in my pouch were stealt by the alines!

"NOOOO MY BABY!" "Not again." Doqtuer and me.!

The ashinint people ran away helding my babiese. they were the laughter and there feathers and hats were in the breaze.

I criet on the grownd and my husbinds cumforted me. "We has to fetch them away!" Me says.

"yes lest fetch them!" Masterbasket rored.

"We shall skalp the anshints for steleing are babises I dont kare if this will change the histories but my babiese are the dangerous." Doqtuer say with his eye in a skowl.

We got up and runned aftr the ahsnint peeple the indins and the pligirms! There were a gobbling sownd and that meaned that the thankques giving peeoples were in my forest.

We quickly and catched near there camps. They were with the wepins and threatng. I criet for my babiese.

* * *

**Helga's Mind-Diary: Day 4**

I've been stolen by the Pilgrims and Native Americans. What the heck?! Why would they steal me? Are they just as stupid as my parents? Ugh, why do I have to be the only smart person in the world? It's really frustrating sometimes. If I grow up and become stupid I am going to be really angry. Anyway, the Pilgrims and Native Americans apparently have a camp together (which makes no sense) and are holding my brother and I hostage. I'm not exactly sure why we need to be held hostage, but they've got a reason... whatever. This is ridiculous.

When I get out of this mess I'm going to get payback on my parents by making a nasty mess in my crib. That'll teach them to take me to the first Thanksgiving dinner and let me get captured. Ugh, parents.

* * *

Helga were a glare at me becuz she has all the humors in my family. I laft and pointet at the cheef. The alines growlt and held my babise and me laffing stopped and I was a sad frowner.

My babiese were in the armse of a ugly feemale anshint person. They were so sad for the ugly woman cuz she was so ugly it was gross. my babiese loked ugy with her. she no has the babies becus Doqtuer and Masterbate wearwolf'd and demigod'd those. I laugh becuz there were a mauling happen in my camp.

My babise were safed in the armse of my beeutful husbinds and the are returning to my pouch. My babsies love me pouch because it is relackse.

(**Helga's Note: **I _HATE_ the pouch.)

The slept. Good night!

And then we to the TARSID and party like a thanksgiving. The boats were in the water and one was bumpt on plimith roque. We were an agry so we destroyt the botes by bloaing they up with TNT like in a moovie.

The n I maid popkorn and we ated it wile waching a moovie. The botes sinked and we laft. Histrty didnt chanj becuz this were ackshuly a secret planet and it were secret.

Then the movie was a finshted one and we sleept in are beds with teh babiese in the crib.

* * *

Ecksept we waked up in the nite and there were a loud in the controal room. I skremt becuse I am a girl and the lout noises are the scary to myself.

"Doqtuer helpt!" I criet with the tears.

Doqtuer runned in and beginned to make out with me and we maked out pashinately. The tears were not becuze of the happy in my rooms.

"Thankques doqtuer for the happy" I say

"Ur welcome my love" Doqtuer say and then we played dolls on me floar. Doqtuer had the Masterbasket doll and I had the Doqtuer doll and hte me doll. We taked cair of our babiese and then we falled asleep cuz the dolls were tired.

We got up from the slepping doals and Butterflie jumpt out at us and scritched the Doqtuerse toas. "BAD KIT!" Doqtuer SCREMT!

"RREEOWOWEIJLKDFS MAJIK MAJIK TALK!" Butterflie scremt. She bitted and then was rabid.

We put her in a kage becuse we no the kill, but she crazy.

The we sleept for reel.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **I just want to say thank you to all the lovely people who have reviewed this silly bit of fanfiction. I really appreciate it! Anyway, on with the story!

* * *

**Author Nose: **Hey gess what? Today you are the introductin by the new ones! She name is pronouncet with a "Jore-gah" but if yer french you can say "Yore-gah" becuse people that have french say j y.

**Disclammer:** I own Jorga and Heelga adn Clarque and Dafne but the rest for never

* * *

Jorga were walking with the stret and she seed 2 crazys and a gorgous girl walking the stret from her other side. One the crazy with pinestrips walkt over from the stret and he say "Hy becus Dafne now a permanint companyin we need a temp one agen so come with to the advenure!"

"Yes" Jorga say and she walkt with them her browns were flowing.

"Hy me names are Dafne Masterbaskt and Doquter." Dafne were the spankin person.

"Yes me the doquter!" Pinstrips

"And me Masterbaskt" The last one say.

"These my child!" Dafne wifth all the luvs she shot her her pouch.

"They the best childs I see with me eye!" Jorga say.

"Yes becuse they comed from the brest of men!" Dafne proud!

"Like me and the Mierstbate!" Doquter was the talker

"oh yes" Jorga say with glitters on her eye

"Jorga you prety too but not like this!" Dafne strut about the stret and she dansed for her mens.

Doquter and Materbasekt were every the loves.

"Teach me!" Jorga say and then they danst in the stret. BUT SUDDEN

A CAR CAMED AND WERE GOING TO HIT THE DAFNE WITH HER POWCH AND BEBESE! AND JORGA!

Doqtuer and Mastbater had to runt in the stret to push them away but Masterbask WERE HiT HIS LEGS! AND THE DOQUTER!

The Car were spint about and a pole but the drivver were okay. He runt away becuse of the scary.

Doquter and Misterbiscuit were scramming on the road they sitted on. Theyr backs the grownd.

I skremt and runnt over to my husbinds. "NOOOO!" There legse were blooding. "JORGA HALP"

Jorga runt oaver to me and her with the legse and bandades so that bload woudn not get the cloaths.

My Nurse skils were needet and I uset them to heel my husbinds.

Jorga felled in luv with the Masterbasekt. "Oops, I no meen to but it are the troth." she were admit.

"Yes no it helpted can not becuse luv is luv an we must onor it. Yo kan has my Masterbase." I tel her cuse in reel life I didnt akshuly like him ase much as the Doquter.

Master-bate waket up and lookt in to the eye of Jorga and they kist amd maid owt in the booshes.

I bloosh becuse of the embarised. My babiese eyes covert in me powch.

* * *

**Helga's Mind-Diary: Day 5**

Did my daft-ass mother just give my father away to another woman? YOU HAVE _GOT_ TO BE KIDDING ME! This is NOT happening! I swear, this "Jorga" woman is just as stupid (if not more stupid) than my mother. I can't believe this is happening. If Jorga takes my father away from me, I will hunt her down and kill her, because this just got PERSONAL. I am not a baby to be messed with, believe me. I can kill in ways you can't even imagine. Jorga, watch out, because it you leave with my father, I will HUNT YOU DOWN LIKE SOME WILD ANIMAL AND I WILL SLAUGHTER YOU.

Sorry for that outburst. I got a bit emotional. Deep breaths, Helga, deep breaths. Time to continue plotting against my mother and Jorga.

* * *

When they was finisht I walkt ovr to Doquter and we helt handz "You do the rite things Dafne becuse they happy with them now!"

"Yes I did"! Dafne

"Let us go the the aventure now!" Masterbaskt say and comed ovr to me us.

"Where they will take me?" Jorga askt

"Anywear!" Doquter sayt and he pattet me hed and kist me lipse.

"Let me to the anshint times!" Jorga sya

"Ok we go to anshint Amerika!" Danfe exlcmat!

"Yay a tripe!" Doquter cheert and we goed to TARDIS and taked off

"Wow they are big! Only the inside!" Jorga say

"yes lvoe they are!" Masterbate murmurt

"Now soon wer arrive in the anshint Amerki!" Jorga asked?

"Soon yes" but then the TARSID went a wrong and they were screekming!" Masterbaste skreaming with Doquter and me and Jorga

Helga glart beuse she had to be a humor in the grim days. Clarque criet, "MOMMEEHH!"

"shsh Clarque kwyit, be off!" off swich and then Clarque quiet.

Then we skremt agen adn flelt out the TARDIS. Into the land...

* * *

The Anshint Norweegan fokes surounded us and growlt like wulfs.

Doquter turnt into a wearwolf and he made them quite beuse he was the pake leder. He hunted them throo the forists with im in the leed after the deers and he came back and gived us his katch. We feested on deer meats and over a fire.

Jorga was hit on by the mens and the Masterbasekt kilt them with his Demigod powerse. I laft becuse they men were stupid!

Helga were a walker now so she out me powch and walkt neer the fire. Taked a stick and playing!

"No bad Helga" I grabt her and put in the poch so she were safe. She so funY!"

"Lol silly Helga" Clarque sey.

"Gasp Clarque his first!" Words! Dafne and Doquter gaspt.

"Wow so speshil!" Jorga sayt.

The wimin of the tribe were gathert round. They all cooed at me babiese and I were a happy one bceuse I got showing off me offsprang.

Then the tornado struck.

* * *

LOL I LUV CLIF HANGERSE


	12. Chapter 12

**Autherse Note: **SORRY SO SORRY THAT I WERE A DISAPEAR! I had many writer bloke and me coouldnt think of a story chipter to say. Thise one will be erkstra loang, i promise.

**Dicklamer: **No own the real karacters.

* * *

The wirlwind swept me up and i skremt! The tornado were meesing me hairs up and i were super an angry one. My babiese in my pouch were swrling! I hate Norwegia and there stupid toarnadoes.

Then the Doquter grabt me hands and kist me in thar Tornaido. It were a romantse and like the boaks where I kist in a book in a toarnado with Alice and Dorthie. And rabbit hoals and houses faling on witches.

The Maisterbate went flooping paste us and Jorga were his hand with her hand. Helga was neer the fiyre still on the grownd. "Oh its Helga!" I laft.

Helga then got hitted by the brickse. She were REGENIRATING! The tornaido stopt and i got a couch and I stayed on the couch so it landet on the grownd amd me safe. Runned to Helga with her glow!

"Stay back she danger!" Doquter shoutet and push me away "NO MY BABY" I skremt

"No stay away she must" Doquter insiset.

I criet and wept my face in me Hands.

Me poor Halga! She on the snowe grownds and her with all golwing and then burts in an explishin!

She growed a taller like Children her hair were a bloand with brads like a viking helga and then her skinny and hazle eyese like her daddy Masterbasket and then she done.

* * *

**Helga's Mind-Diary: Day 6**

You've got to be kidding me. Did that really just happen? Did some ridiculous winter wind tornado start up out of the blue? DID I REALLY GET HIT WITH A BRICK AND REGENERATE?! Yes, yes, I did. Because my careless mother left me unprotected in the storm before gleefully jumping into the tornado and calling for the Doctor to save her.

I'm gonna kill her. But first, LOOK AT THIS NEW BODY! I guess the whole viking thing is what I get for letting my mother describe me, although I'm not sure how that works. But look at me! I've got my dad's eyes (sorta) and and my mother's hair. Now, instead of being a little baby-toddler creature, I might be about the size of a seven or eight year old human. I can now speak to my family... my family who I've learned some rather interesting information about.

So... I made a habit of looking into my father's mind when he held me (back when I was tiny), and I've discovered something rather... interesting. There appears to be some strange block in his mind that keeps him from being even remotely smart. Underneath that block, my real dad is in there, and he's stone-cold brilliant. So now that I've got this older body, I can begin searching for the source of that block. 'Cuz the source of that block isn't in his head, I'm sure of it. All my other family members have it, except my mother. She's strange, all I got when I tried to look into her mind was static-y, similar to the block, but this time there was no block. Her thought were literally just static.

So my mother's the only one in my family who's genuinely stupid. I think that she might have something to do with this blocky thing, but I'm not really sure yet. I don't even know what the blocky thing is, or why it isn't affecting me. I don't have enough knowledge yet to make a proper guess, so for now I'll have to act like I don't know anything. If this block thing's somehow sentient, I don't want it to know that I'm catching on. For now I'll just have to deal with a stupid family.

~Helga

* * *

"You're kidding," Helga growled, glaring at me.

My baieb!" I criet and graped my daugter in my Armse. The Masterbaskt comed over and hugt her too.

"Jorga this are dauther! Come and hug her new boady!" he say and callt her over. Jorga comed over and was a hug w/ her onorarie Dater.

"Hell-o me adopt dotter!" Jorga say and hug Helga

Helga quickly put her hand up to touch the back of Jorga's head and take a peek at her mind. The woman didn't even notice, but only because her mind was the same as Daphne's- static-y and blank.

"Yo such a sweeter!" Jorga kist Heelga's hed. I had love in me eyeze cuz Helga were liking her adoptiv famly. I were so hapy that I peet me pantse and ahd to runs away for the embirisement.

Then the wolfs comed and were chassing me.

"Go!" I scremt "Doquter!"

"Dafne!" Doquter criet and he runed to me and werewulft the Wulves away and I laft at tehm. "Thankques Doqtuer!" Dafne sayd.

"yer welcom i luv you" DOquter say

Masterbate comed Over and he say with happy, "Helga talks me now an she want new cloaths!"

"SHOAPING!" Dafne squealt. Jorga jumpt up an down and helt Dafnes hands and they spinned for the joy.

* * *

Laiter in my TARSID we are helding loats of shopping bagz and shoez and dressez.

We had a Fashin show and the mens were are juges and then we all maid out.

Helga were in her room and alne with the sleeps becuz of her glowy-morf. It werea tired.

So then I wentted into my kichin and maid a moovie in hte micro-oven and we wached it on the tv it was that movie Noatbook. I criet on me Doquter''s Shoulder.

I drinked me wine becerse I were a grewn-up! The wine tastes like my graips, so i spit it and throw on the wite floar. "Oops!"

Then Butterflie appered. "how you get your cage from awawy?' I asqued.

"I chewt throo the bars." Butterflie say to me from away in the hall were her face was a-peeking.

"oh oops sorry the bars no stroang enuf!" Doquter sayed to me and hten Butterflie attackt again her humancat legarms skritching the Doquters faise.

"NO MY BUTIFUL FAISE!" Doquter skremt

"STOP YOU RUINING ME HUSBIND!" I CRIED!

But then Jorga puncht the evil catnun away an My husbinds face were safe. But scraches on the checks.

Butterflie runned away to hied in the TARDSI. "Dum katty-kit!" I grumblt.

"Thankse Jorga!" Doquter say.

"Hey dont cheat on mee!" I yelt. "BETRAY! NO!" I throwed me self the floar and fists wht me feet I throwed me a tantrum.

"No pleease i weren't hceatin!" Doquter say an try me to stoap. "I luv u"

"no yu lying you say thank to Jorga an not me wen I savt yoU!" I scremt with all the tearse flow me cheeks.\

"But Jorga did safe me she kickt Butterflie!" Doquter proatist.

"NO!" I runned away to me room. Evryone want to cheet on me cuz I getall the gys and they jelous it so not fare why can I be ugly?

Then Doquter were hthere and he comferted me and I falled asleep in his armse. It wer ok becuse he love me.

* * *

**A/N:** I've only written one more chapter after this one, so I'm not sure how often I'll update after chapter 13. I've been pretty busy with school-related crap recently (to be specific, a rather daunting independent research paper), and I've also been having a bit of writer's block. So if you've got any ideas for ridiculous nonsense that I can put in this lovely piece of literature, feel free to suggest them in a review or PM. :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Athuor's Note: **Hey guys I'm a sorry that there were not a chapter for such a long time. Me has exams in me skool so i cant updait as much.

**Dicklaimer: **I dont own docotrwho but i do own me ocs.

* * *

**Helga's Mind-Diary: Finding Out More**

I've stopped keeping track of how many entries I've written because I don't feel like keeping track anymore. That's a good enough reason, right? Anyway, I've been investigating my family's Stupid (that's what I'm calling their idiot-disease now) and I've found out that they weren't always like this. It started three years ago when Daphne, my hideous mother, went on an adventure trip with her fiance in the Central-American rain forests. They visited an old Mayan temple, which, of course, was not in fact Mayan, but alien. Being the blundering idiot my mother always has been, Daphne ventured deep into the temple alone and found something. Whatever she did with that something caused a worldwide wave of Stupid to erupt from the temple. That's as far as I've gotten in my research, or as I've been able to get. The Doctor keeps shooing me away from the library, which is where I've been spending most of my time figuring out what's going on. He always tells me to go play with my brother in the nursery. Ha! AS IF.

* * *

I waked up in me bed with my Husbind around me.

"Hy Dafne!" Doqtuer stayed. "Good mornin do you want egse for brekfast?"

"Yes ples I luv egse!" I sayd and then gotted out me bed. Pajamas, so I had to dress with a skrit and tink top.

Doqtuer were alredy in his suit.

"Hey luve I want to visit Mayan!" I say and walkt to me Husbind.

"You meen Maya. Ok we go to Maya. But only the egse!" He laft and kist me check.

"Yes of coarse the egse!" We goed to me citchen and ated egse. Then we gotted the Maisterbersk and Jorga and Helga but not Clarque cuz he a baby so he stay wifth the TADRIS who babysets his.

We goed to the coansal and the Doqtuer and the Maisterbate drived it with ther hands and runnign around. Then we went to Maya.

**Helga's Note: **YES YES YES! This is what I've been waiting for! My idiot mother wants to go back to Central America. THANK YOU, MAMA. Okay, enough with the outbursts. Get me to that temple.

Then I seed a tempal. Helga runned to the tempel, she so cute! So we follow her in my tempel and then we goed in. Helga runned away frum us but she a big girl now so we dont care she can takes care of Helga.

There were a gelden monkie so I taked it and then the arrows!

Doquter pusht me out the way and i kist him thanks

Jorga fel in a traip! We had to reskew her. Then she kist Masterbase becuse they were a marridge and they like to be safed by eachother.

Then the anshint Mayas came. "You taked our monkie!" one of they accused me. I hided the monkie behind my back b/c i wantet to keeps it.

The Mayas had Helga, that girl roaled her eye. She so silly and my humerous!

Helga tried to twist out of the tomb robbers' grasp, but couldn't.

"Heelga get aways!" I shoutet at the Mayas. They were dreast in Arkeologist cloaths becuse they are modern Mayas.

"They're tomb robbers, mother, not 'Mayas,'" Helga grumbled at her incompetent mom. "And if you haven't noticed, I can't get away. So help me."

"No seely Helga, we in a tomb, they Mayas. See thier Cloaths?" I pointet at my Mayas cloaths and ignort my daters saying after her saying that the mayas be tombies.

"Yes, I see their clothes. Now tell my why ancient Mayans would be wearing them," Helga argued, continuing to struggle. She stomped on the foot of the man who had the misfortune to be holding her. He yelped and loosened his grip, and Helga was able to slip away.

"Good girl!" I praist my dauter and pattet her hed. She growlt at me, lol.

"Come on ladies we are needing to run!" Doquter and Masterbate say.

"Oops yes" I say we leved with my Monkie cuz the Mayas were stupid.

We gotted in are areplane and flied away. Accept the areplant was a tardis! We were in my TARSID and we flied away. Heelga were not there, she liked my tempel so she says with it.

We go to get she later.

* * *

**Helga's POV** (this is new!)

I carefully crept deeper into the temple. A strange feeling that I knew must be the source of the stupid kept urging me to go forward. It almost seemed to be leading me on the right path and not letting me take wrong turns into traps. Suspicious, right? But, of course, I kept going, because at this point it would be foolish to turn back when I was so close to discovering what was really going on.

I had asked my mother if I could stay behind and explore the lovely structurally unstable temple some more. She, being the incompetent fool she is, said yes. Not that I would've listened to her if she said no, of course.

I took another turn and found myself face-to-face with a large sphere in the middle of a tiny room. The circular thing was at least six feet in diameter, and it was floating slightly and emitting a gentle green glow. I felt the urge to reach out and touch it, but resisted. After all, it could be some horrid death trap that incinerated smart people like me. Because let's face it... I'm the only smart person on this planet. Maybe even the only smart person in the universe. So if this thing is the cause of the stupid, why wouldn't it want to kill me?

So anyway, my urge to touch the green orb was smashed to tiny little pieces when I saw the six neat little ash piles surrounding it. There had been six tomb robbers. I quickly backed up and pressed myself against the disgustingly moist stone wall. I suppose that I was mostly correct on my guess that it was a horrid death trap that incinerated smart people. Although, it apparently killed stupid people too.

As I continued to gaze at the globe from my spot against the wall, I realized that whatever this thing was, it was sentient. In fact, I could swear that it chuckled at me when I realized this. Maybe talking to it would help.

"Hey," I growled. "Listen, I don't know what you are, but I know what you're doing. Release my father!"

I quickly learned then that trying to be menacing when you've got the voice of a ten year old doesn't work. However, the sphere did respond.

"Hello, little Time Lord," Glowy McSphere (as I had named it) said, its voice booming and echoing around the tiny room.

"That's Time _Lady_," I corrected it, pointing my finger accusingly. Actually I have no idea what the correct term for a female Time Lord is, but Time Lady sounds good enough.

Glowy McSphere chuckled again, a low rumbling laugh that made me wish I was smaller so that I could hide better. Then, completely disregarding my little outburst, he (I'd decided that he was male) continued. "I see you've figured out my lovely defense system. It's a shame that there's no one to clean up the ash that it leaves behind, though. But you might as well leave, little one. There is no way that someone so small as you could kill me, or even stop me from keeping my hold on all these lovely apes on this lovely planet."

This time _I _laughed. "You've underestimated me, Glowy McSphere," I said, using my derogatory name for him. He wouldn't be offended by it, but I sure felt pleased with myself. "You see, you've done something to my father. He's not an idiot like my mother is. And I want him back to the way he was before you took control of the minds of everyone on this planet!"

"Oh, you thought I was making just this planet stupid? I'm afraid not, although I suppose I can see how your little mind came to that conclusion. No, I've taken control over every sentient being in the universe," he laughed, but then paused. "Every mind except yours."

"Frustrated, are you?" I taunted the orb, sticking my tongue out just to piss it off. Which, now that I think about it, was stupid, but it made me feel a little better.

Glowy laughed _again_, which was really beginning to annoy me, but then he abruptly stopped. "Yes."

"Oh. I'd best be off, then. Toodles!" I dashed out of the room. This time, as I made my way through the maze of hallways, there was nothing keeping me on the right path. I found myself staring at a dead end more than once. However, I eventually made it back to the ground level of the temple. I ran towards the light that was shining brightly through the entrance, ignoring the threat of traps. Miraculously, I made it out alive, and stood in the blinding sunlight, waiting for the TARDIS to appear.

* * *

**Stupid POV**

We goed back to my tempel and we gotted Helga. I say "Helga what are the temple like from the baisement!?"

"Quiet, Mother, I'm going to bed," Helga muttered and pushed past Daphne.

"LOL! Bye Halga!" Masterbasekt sayed.

We heared a grone from Helga and then we all goed to sleepy in my Beds.

* * *

**A/N**: Okay, so this is as much as I've had prewritten. I don't know when the next update will be, but I'll try to make it as soon as possible. School has kept me pretty busy and I'm also running out of ideas for this story. So, if you can think of anything (seriously, anything. I can probably turn the most normal of things into something ridiculous.), pm me or leave a review with your idea. Thanks!


	14. Chapter 14

**CHAPTER 14**

**A/N: **Microsoft Word just informed me that there are too many spelling and grammatical errors in this document to keep displaying them. I count that as success.

**Stupid POV**

I was waked up by the lowd noize in me TADRIS! I skremt and jumpt out me bed with my hands grabbed the Doquter's p'jamas. He were forsed to come with me b'cuz he were in his p'jamas and I had them grabbed.

"COME DOQUTER WE MUST RUN!" I sayed

"Oops yes" Doqtuer

"What are my TIMEANDRELATIVEDIMENSIONINSPACE doing?!" I d'mand.

"I dunno lets cheque!" my preshis sexie husnbind sayed to my beautiful fase!

We kisst for five minits and then wented to check out the T'ARDIS

"Holy minstrels the TARDSI are oaverloading and c'rashin'!" Master sait runnin' into me controal room.

"Whoops!" Jorga say. She roled in throo the doggy door. Actually it were a kitty door cuz Butterflie.

Just then the aforementioned katty-kit reeowered throo the kitty door and began skritching everyones beautiful calfs. We skremt becuz are cafs are secksie like the F'rench aristo'crats.

We goed to the French R'evloution once and thier calfs were secksie.

Anyway are clafs were being un'secksied by ugly Bhutterflee and so we skremt.

Helga comed in and pulled away butterflie. We creed with r'lief.

"You all are idiots," Helga commented, before rushing over to the console and trying to stabilize the crashing TARDIS.

"Silly Helga we arnt idjits!" We all sayed ecksept burtterflee and Helga.

Clarque rolt throo the doar too and nearly out my TARDIS doars. I were sad cuz he wood dye. OH well.

But he didn't dye becuz the Maister taked him with his feets and hugged on the barz of me TARDSI.

"Good c'ratch!" DOqtuer praist.

"Tanks!" Jorga sayed becuz Master were her husband.

Then we c'r'a's'h'e'd'!

I skremt becuz me pants were being peed.

We land't on a big planit. It was had lots of big trease.

"Wow doqtuer! This ar a pretty one." I sayt.

"Wow yes it are!" Im glad we crash't heer." He sayt.

Helga came out of the smoking ruins of the police box and thoughtfully took in her surroundings.

Her mother was right, the planet WAS beautiful. It was covered in ice, with massive redwood-type-trees jutting up into the sky.

"Look at the strainge chillie solidifide water!" I exclaim.

"W'ow, lookit the trease they has solidifide cold water on them!" Masterabies sayt.

"I see a j'ag'u'are!" Jorga sayt. She pointtet at the trease and I seed the ja'gu'ire too. It were brown with ice spotses on its face.

"I bet he's frendly." Doquter say and he go'd to Jarugar. The Jarguar hiss't and bare'd it's teath at my gorjis husband. I skremt and patted away it by its tail and fling't it into my sun'set.

I laught becuz it were f'unny.

Helga glared at her mother for mistreating the beautiful creature.

"lol hega you don't no f'unny!" Doqtuer and me sayt.

"I'm going off on my own. I'll meet you here later," Helga told them, and promptly walked off into the forest alone, equipped with one of the Doctor's older sonic screwdrivers (which she'd upgraded in her spare time).

"bye deer!" Maisterbasekt sed.

I wat'ched me dater leev without a second word! We wented into my foarest doeepr to see if thar were nativs.

We founded nativs. They were c'all'd the N'kau.

(Note from Helga: They actually ARE called the N'kau, however unlikely that may seem. They're a rather ancient people who live on the planet I'brau, which sadly sounds like the word eyebrow. The N'kau on I'brau. Catchy. Whatever.)

I likt them cuz they had an apostrifie in thier naime. They were taul and braun and had no hairs but they had a large eyes and those eyes were yelloa.

The nativs thot we 're godses so they giv't us all their g'oald!

I were hapy and my h'air was b'ra'ded by them. I danc't round liek a prinsess.

We taket the g'oald to my TARSID and putted it in the g'aold roome were I keepz me rich's.

We got back and my nativ's were a'ngry'. I were wirr't becuz wat did we does to maik them anger?!

Jus them Heelga comed to us and s'ayt somthin bout frozen-water hippo's.

We ignor't her and kept skremmin' 'bout teh navit's. Dey comet at u's wifth spearse! HELP!

JUST THE'N BUTTERFLIE JUMPT OUT ME TADRIS DOARS AND RUN'NED TO THE NATIVS! SHE KLAWT AT THERE FAISES AND THEY SKREMT AND MY FMAILIE LAFT BECUZ TE NATIVS A'RE STU'PID!  
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA~

We run't back to the tar'dis and we went insied and hided fr'om the na't'ivs and butterflie' and we er saif! But Butterflie comed runnin back to the darsit and clawt and skritched at my doars but we weren't sure if we want't tl let her in cuz she cray-cray.

But in the en'd we let't her in bc'uz we 're rseponstible fr her an'd we dn't wan her to dye so we taked her back and she hapy and purt.

Helga had a bindle clutch'd in her armse an she won' show us but dat ok she sometimez sekret!

Da next moarning we stile hadn't left the planit. We were gonna studie the nativs an tak picshures. Helga sayt hse' wantt' to stay behina and stydie her articfatces or whatev'r she brote bak yesterday.

We left the atrdis wif butterflie cuz 'she are attack citty-kat an she protect' us frum da nativs wif ther spears'e and arrows wif b'ows.

I hunt't throo the chi'llt forist wif my kam'era and Jorag was netx to me. Maste'rbate were next to us an the DOqueter to'o. My kamera took may pisher's of the forist and a few ded boadies of nativs dat butterflied crawed to deth. Maisterbasekt pokt a boadies with a s'tick and laft becuz he are still secretly evil! (he beloangs to with the lemons dat ar evilv vilins frum spoanchbob dat akrtoon'!) Jorga kict his arese bucuz he ain't suppos't to be e'vil! NO EVL

Doquter laft at a Masterbasket becuz haha he got kickt' in da' but't!

I shoosht Doquter becus no laffing at sad evils. Clarque comed ver crawling and sayt "Mawmy wy are dere ded people!"

I skremt becuz my babby were taking an he not su'po'sted to TALK YET !

"WY YO TALK'ING CHILD" JORGA AND ME SKREMT

"sorry I ferget!" Clarque apologised and shut up

"that are a many things better thank you child!" I say

"yer welckim!" Coaruek

"shhhshshshshshh" jorga shht h'im an put't a fing'gger o'er there lips

I taked me child an put'tt him ' in my po'w'ch.

Then the fahrest were there becuz we rrunnted into it. "Shhhhhshshh" the fahrest sayt.

"oops"

Then a caive was fo'unt and it was sl'id into by us. We landt at the b oatom of the caive and we wer ein a butufl caveren wif cristiles and stagalames and stagalates. I takt pic'shures with me kamr'a. Jorga skreecht and her voiyce were loudt in the caivern and karriet throoowt the wallse.

"wow"

We found a foaster chiodl in the toaster on the kitchen of the cavairne. We kated it and thamed it "Leasea"

"Thaninkes for saiving m!" Leasea say and then runt into the depths of the vainger.

We waved go-bye and me karma taked a pic'shure with me fingers presin' on the button so it wood flash and work and capshure this mom'nt on a picsure.

Turns out there were a hows in the kavern. The kichin was in the kaverne. 'tWas weirt but we livt init for a days. My husband a'nd I had sloapoy make-puts on the roof of the kav'airn. Shhh don't tell Heelga

Jorga and the Myaisterbaisek sexted in the baisemet. Shhh don't tell Claruqwe

(the children were backwards but shhh, said Butterflie)

Butteflie was a secrit and mixted up the babies fer today in are minds. That day Cla'que we're Jorg and Mast's and Heelga were mine and Doc's

But don't tell anye'prsns it are a sekret (but im moma of boath so they all mine ahahhaha)

Suddne the cavern were shaked by the erth!

ERTHQUACK!

"IT ARE MY ERTHQUACK RUN RUNRU UNN''NN FUR YER LIFES!" I skremt and we skittered lik mise.

Udner the tabbls and do'arways like you do wen there are erthquacks.

Shhh'shhh

The'n the erath quack ended and we goted away frum are hiding plases.

There wer no daminge because im perfect

Herlga comed runnin down to see us but she se'ed we ok so she lft' angry'.

I think she' angige'ry but she' h'as a humor so she' kiddn'g maybe.

Then we lfeafted the cavernt and wented away and kitl the rest of the nativs BAD MASTER WY YOU DO DAT and tden we wented away in our TARSID.

(shh we all kilt them but we blaimt the bastermate- butterlife sayt)

Buttefie became our se'ret keeper and hse whisprt stuff in are ears sometim's.

The end fer now


End file.
